9 Unforgivable Things You Should Never Do To A Turkey

1. Stuff it with cupcakes.

No. No, no, no.

This comes to you from the Cupcake Project.

2. Or with Cheez-Its.

This is a great disservice to both the turkey and the Cheez-Its.

3. Or with Twinkies.

Here’s how, if you’re some kind of monster.

4. Fry it the wrong way.


5. Brine it in Coolattas and stuff it with Munchkins.

Arrrr, that be the monster they call The TurDunkin’. No man has tasted her and lived to tell the tale.

6. Turn it into a cake.

Things that look like desserts but aren’t desserts deserve their own special circle of Hell.

7. Microwave it.

Just don’t, just please, please don’t.

8. Give it a bikini tan.

The only possible excuse for this is to provide a girlfriend for the Sexy Chicken.

9. Or lemon boobs.

There’s something wrong with you if you really want to know how to do this.

Okay, so what the hell AM I supposed to do with it?

DO: Buy the right kind of turkey.

DO: Defrost your turkey the right way.

DO: Make it into the Best Turducken Ever.

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